Miscellaneous Hofer

Wittenauer Wedding

Edward and Barbara Wittenauer and their nine living children.

I know I’ve spoken to some of you about my dream to own a “single-wide” trailer of my own. I wanted to walk around in one of those cool, sleeveless undershirts (known, I’ve been told, as “wife beaters”). I began sampling cheap, disgusting beers like PBR. I had started looking at used pickup trucks that I could put up on blocks in the front yard, and started shopping for plastic flamingos to go by both the truck, and in the back yard next to the washer and dryer. Using old K-Mart sheets as curtains would have added a nice touch to the place. The only thing missing would have been a large, alcoholic wife, and I’m sure that I could have found one of those lounging around in the trailer park.

Sadly, it looks like my dream may be put on hold. Despite my best efforts, I have been offered a job at Dialog in Mountain View, California as a Software Quality Assurance Lead Engineer. I will be starting this new position on Monday, March 19th.

Maybe someday my dream will come true.

1. Smokers light up everywhere. Sure, restaurants have “no smoking” sections, but there isn’t a force field that keeps the smoke away from your section.

2. The vast majority of Chinese restaurants have “Chop Suey” in their name.

3. I’ve never been to a really good Mexican restaurant in St. Louis. The best I’ve had is “not bad.”

4. The vast majority of Chinese restaurants have something called a “St. Paul Sandwich.” I have no idea what this is.

5. There’s a church on almost every street corner — religion is big business in the Midwest. If you take any random 5 square mile area, you will find more churches than Starbucks.

6. When you ask for tea in a Chinese restaurant, you’ll get a cup of Lipton.

7. St. Louis style pizza is really good. The crust is usually really thin, and they use a mixture of provalone and mozzerella cheese.

8. There are no good Chinese restaurant in St. Louis. At best you might find “edible.”

9. They have “toasted ravioli” which are ravioli that are breaded and deep fried. You dip them in sauce. They’re great.

10. The only Asians you’ll see all work in the Chinese restaurant.

11. There are language differences. While the majority of people you run across speak English, there is a minority of natives that speak a language that is nearly incomprehensible. For example, I was in McDonalds a few years ago and ordered Big Mac and fries. The girl behind the counter said “sue-zizezat?” I had her repeat the phrase “sue-zizezat?” three more times before I translated it as “Super Size That?”

12. It used to be that the only Mexicans you’ll see all work in the Mexican restaurant. Now the vast majority of the Spanish speaking population are either working in roofing or landscaping. After several hail storms, there was a large influx of “Texans” eager to repair the damage. They now hold the majority of roofing and lawn service/landscaping jobs in the area.

13. Houses have yards and basements.

14. The weather can change radically. It can be 100 at 2 in afternoon and 60 that evening. Bring at least one set of warmer clothes, such as a sweat shirt, long pants or jacket.

15. The beaches are man-made and not beautiful. A whale sighting is not pretty – it has something to do with a small swimsuit and a large person.

16. It is very easy and customary to get wine in a box.

17. Although there are less people per square inch since there are actual houses w/yards, the traffic seems the same as in California.

18. Only in St. Louis will you find the Hofers, Burkes, and Rosens!! And that’s a good thing!

19. If you buy a California wine, it is from California, MO.

20. Versailles is pronounced Verrr Sales.

21. “44″ may be pronounced Fourty Four – or – Far T Far.

22. The state may be pronounced as Missouri or Miss Urrr Uhhhh. The second pronunciation is used primarily by BWCF’s, also known as people from South County.

23. You WILL get asked what High School you went to. Answer Parkway South – its a big school that will make everyone think that you have lots of money.

24. The following are in Missouri: Versailles, Mexico, Nevada, California, … In general, if it sounds far away, its probably not.

25. The Italian food is MUCH better in a strip mall in St. Louis than Anywhere on the left coast.

26. Our idea of Sea Food is Red Lobster a.k.a. the Crimson Crustacean.

27. Cairo is pronounced Kay-roe.

28. Pork steaks. These are not pork chops!

29. The highest and most stupid rubber necking population. Traffic can be delayed for hours as all drivers must slow to look at someone changing a tire on the side of the road.

30. Virtually all local radio and TV personalities are complete morons. However, this really doesn’t differ too much from California where the local TV personalities are hired because they have good hair.

31. Berkeley Missouri resembles in no way The People’s Republic of Berkeley, California.

32. Contrary to popular belief, energy conservation is practiced in Missouri. It’s called taking a nap.

33. A rolling blackout is one of those rough nights where you drink WAY too much, stagger home from the bars, pass out part way home, and fall down a hill.

34. Frozen custard may be one of St. Louis’ greatest contributions to western civilization.